Choleric

*Please be advised that what follows draws upon no wellspring or theme of happiness.



I’m growing a third boob but it’s below my chin, I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that this edifice I come to for “employment” 4 days a week is actually a mental institution/giant maze experiment/sandbox/dreadful sex club from Wicked/boxing ring/group therapy for the very very needy, and I work next to a Me Monster who sharts. My carpet cube has lost some of its shimmer in the last couple of weeks, it doesn’t feel like the haven it did in my prior post. These shambling little walls do nothing to block out sound, odor, questions, earthquakes, or evil. I’ve actually reorganized my cubicle recently so that my back isn’t to the “door” anymore, so now when people walk by they see the back of my computer monitor and my sneer. This is helpful, as a particular individual who has slithered from a sweet friend to a suspicious buzzing sound to an alligator made of lava to the Eye of Sauron, seems to make it their business to wander around and “peek” in at what everyone else is doing. And then write what they’re doing on a strip of skin that they’ve sliced off a baby, and then drop that skin into a cauldron of spider venom, and then screech incantations with their arm around Voldemort who never died. But now they have to very deliberately step around the obstacle course of boxes of “more work I do in a day than they do in a week” and pretend to hug me with the back of their head pressed against my cheek so they can see what’s on my computer screen. By which time I’ve minimized all the Google search windows of “How to battle the forces of darkness when they bring you cookies” and email windows of “stop crying, don’t let the evil get the better of you!!” Usually when I’m quick on my game I can halt this absurd dance at the door and say “Yes what?” or “Hi what do you need?” or “GET THEE BEHIND ME RAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH”.

The best part is the fact that I’ve reorganized my desk has completely bollucksed EyeofSauron’s whole world and has prompted them (ok her, it’s a her, boo to all hers) to giggle and cuddle up next to Boss Squared Duo and whisper some fabricated series of “concerns” about my ineptitude and clandestine collusions with their arch enemy, Beelzebub.

Gah. I just came to the explosive realization of my Frodoness. In an effort to be kind and supportive, which as you all know kills mean things as though with fire, I went to a boutique at EoS’s house a few weeks ago and bought several pieces of lovely jewelry. In fact I’m wearing one now. This large crystal-type amulet that I was told would keep my spirit connected to the water-based energies of kelp in the Scottish lochs on days when it rains… but, could I have been duped?? Can evil beget pretty?? I may as well be wearing the One Ring for crying out loud!! I’m going to go bald and start coughing and yelling at my other personalities!!

Ok I feel better, I’ve plugged my ipod into my head to drown out Shart Monster’s 3 hour long explanation of the murder trial he just served as a jury member on and everything the murderer did to a series of little girls.

Part of the desk reorganization was prompted by the sudden possibility of getting a new computer monitor. We still have the massive computer towers and aren’t ready to move into laptops for all yet, but for the last few years the District has been slowly updating the monitors to lovely flat screens. One by one the old white refrigerator monitors have gone the way of the dodo. Except… mine. No one had ever asked about it and I’d never spoken up about it because I didn’t really care, until we realized we were going to have a spare flat screen in our unit when we got our new office assistant’s equipment. I timidly said “erm….could, um…..could I, do you think, could I, like, have it?.....maybe? Er, just some of it?” I should have known better, because this became a phone call I had to place to Boss Squared Duo explaining why I was an ungrateful wretch and felt I needed a new monitor when my old one was wheezing and clanking along just fine. And then BSD had to call this intrepid and invisible segment of the District called The Work Request Team, who you call to request that they work. If you don’t ask, they don’t work. No working without requests. Of course that implies that they work when they DO get requests. Bless their hearts.

They did work, because they passed on the request to other people, and “avoid responsibility” = “delegate” = “work” on this planet. The following Tuesday morning a cheerful guy who used to be friends with me bounced up to my desk, looked at my husky teenager-sized monitor and shrieked “WHAT THE @#%& IS THIS??” Even though he is 4 years older than me, evidently he skipped right from abacus to laptop. Both of which are sleek and compact. He promised that he would put folded slips of paper in suggestions boxes and whisper to people under bathroom stalls and play charades with his manager to try to get me something better and was all charming and then went away. Typical. A couple of hours later, 2 representatives of our Nerd Ninja tech team came sauntering up to my desk and stared. I stared at them. They stared at me. And then the monitor. And then me. One of them announced in a cowboy drawl “Now that’s just embarrassing.” The other smirked at my boobs. Typical. Finally somehow it all worked, all the staring and smirking ceased and I had a new flat screen monitor. *elven choir sounds* I never realized before this that my desk was actually big enough to sleep on. Yay for useful discoveries!


Shart Monster has finished his monologue now, and everyone’s going to some abysmal barbeque to celebrate working in the looneybinsexshopsandboxmazetherapyring which means I get to be left alone this afternoon, and I’m going to Europe in 2 weeks. Unless there’s another natural disaster, in which case I’ll blog from the dead.




Chant Down Babylon



PS) EoS just leapt in here to offer me cash while I was writing this, and now I can’t stop laughing.