Rhapsody

I ate January. Now you can all stop asking where it went.

I decided a blog post was warranted, because I met Idina Menzel.


You know when you’re depressed to the point of being winded when you stand up straight and wishing you’d been killed in the Revolutionary War, you can’t work or go to school and you’re living in the asphyxiating toilet of dysfunction, and then your friend burns you the “Wicked” soundtrack which you play for 6 months straight and realize the whole problem is that you were born green, but there’s hope and anti-gravity and you can save the talking animals, and 5 years later you realize you lived through the black hole and met the wizard and don’t need to travel by bubble, and then the person you idolized through the mess walks in and sits 12 inches from your head? It was like that, only with more flapping.


Back when “Wicked” was first on Broadway, my friend Becca saw it in New York with Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth themselves in the lead roles. I’ve always harbored the blistering envy of that. About 6 months ago when Idina was filming for her spot on “Glee,” she was shooting at Citrus College and a couple of friends of mine met her. I was beside myself. 2 days before this happened, I was talking with my coworker friend about both of those things and how jealous I was of those friends of mine who got to be that close to her and actually talk to her. And a carrier pigeon took this message to The Universe, who owed me for the volcano.


Laphone and Mr. and I were at a showing of Point Break Live which we’d been planning on for over a month and nearly didn’t make it to. It was already a big deal because I’d found out the show was ending shortly and I’m going to have to pay other random people to spray fake blood at my face (Craigslist). I wanted to find out the story of what was going on and finally set eyes on this one guy who shall remain fictional. We’d also elected to sit right in the middle of the Moisture Action, rather than in the Fondle Section, which has a huge effect on the emotional drama of the story. My ADHD eyes were darting around with all the shadows and shapes, I watched this group of people come in and shuffle for their seats in the row ahead of us. One of them looked around her kind of shy and uncomfortable like, and I thought “Wow, that kind of looked like Idina Menzel’s jawline….hmm” but returned to watching for signs of nargles and the questing beast. Then I noticed how much the back of that girl’s head looked like Idina’s head…. And the shape if the crest of her ear was quite similar as well. And that when she was speaking to the friend next to her she was doing a spot on Idina impression. And that her friend was calling her Idina after she did that impression. And that when she took out her phone, the wallpaper was a picture of Taye Diggs and Baby Walker. At that point I felt this nebulous girl was going WAY too far with this impersonation, even for someone who was looking for a career as a professional Menzel double. I blamed her enabling friends. Until my steel trap brain started to realize it might….. actually…………… be………………………………. her……………………………………………………………..


You know that electricity sound in movies when everything shorts out or gets zapped or kills moths? My face made that sound. I turned to Laphone and said “I-…..th-……ththththhhh-……….I-……….w-w-w-w-w-…………..splurtz…………*point*…………..THERE!!!..............I-……………..possibly……….” She patiently said “What?” I said, in the loudest stage whisper ever, “I THINK THAT’S IDINA MENZEL!!! *points more and a lot*” She said “Who?” I almost inhaled her through my flared nostrils and shrieked “IDINAMENZELIDINAMENZELIDINAMENZEL!!!!! The ORIGINAL Elphaba!!! The woman who brought Wicked to life!!!! The first Marueen who worked with Jonathan Larson himself!!!! MY FAVORITE SINGER IN THE WORLD!!! WICKED!!!!!!!! SONGS!!!!!!!!!!!!! HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” She said “Really? Wow!” She’s the cute. For the next hour, every few minutes I would turn to her with my giant bug eyes and say “Omg….*flap*” or “I’m so serious” or “Aims…..” or “Omg *flap* I’m so serious Aims”. Around this time is when many of you would have gotten my equally coherent mass text with all the dots. The replies I got were a half-and-half mixture of “Who?” or “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” (You “Who?” people know you are, and all the shame.) I decided that on the off chance this really was an imposter, which seemed more likely than Idina Menzel being at Point Break Live, I had to find out. Immediately after I made that decision, I suddenly transformed into a naked leper with bad hair and foul breath in the middle of a crowded marketplace. I was seized by the most staggering level of self consciousness and shyness I’ve had in years, actually since back before I was rescued by the Wicked Witch. Irony is never convenient. I knew it would be as easy as leaning forward, tapping her on the shoulder and asking if she was really herself. Totally graceful and charming and effortless. My mind’s eye painted a picture of a giant oozing earth worm flopping on top of her and slobbering all over her jacket, which is how I suddenly felt. Totally not any of the aforementioned adjectives. But I knew I couldn’t hate myself any more than if I passed up the chance, so I went in for the tap.


Idina: *turns around, pleasant*
Me: “Erm, excuse me, but are you Idina Menzel?”
Idina: *patient smile* “Ya.”
Me: “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*flap*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*heart clutch*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Idina: “……….lol………”
Me: “I’m the lamest person in the world, it’s SO NICE TO MEET YOU!!!!”
Idina: “What’s your name?”
Me: “EMILY!!!!!!!!!!!! *points at her shirt, doesn’t know why*”
Idina: “Lol. Hi.”
Me: “PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Idina: “Um…………do you, um………. Do you think we could do that, like, later? *gestures to our yellow ponchos*”
Me: “YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Idina: “*weak smile* Ok. *turns back around*”
Me: “SEEYOUTHENMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”




Alright I didn’t actually moooo, even though KMab told me I should. But the rest is word perfect accuracy. According to the earth worm camera in my brain, anyway. I was utterly transported the rest of the show, because even if I didn’t take a picture of her, I had shouted words at her face and told her my real name. It was a great show, everyone was in peak form, The Utah Of the Week was really pretty good in spite of the kaleidoscope of accents he kept wandering through. Even the group of drunk/loud/rude/lame 20-somethings clustered on the side didn’t wreck it completely, although they drove FictionalMan to distraction. I got more and more nervous as the show was drawing to a close, because to my dismay my acres of awkwardness didn’t abate in the LEAST after I spoke to her. I was even more nervous afterward, convinced she would flee into the shadows from Yelling Earthworm Girl, and she would be right to. I kept doing seizure hands to Laphone, who is very pretty and did silent chuckles at me to bolster my morale. When the show ended, we all stood up and started squirming out of our saturated ponchos and wiping the blood off our hands. I kept darting glances at ActuallyReallyIdina but nearly lost Laphone because she had to chase after Mr., who’d done a runner. I was torn. On one hand, I knew I could live happily with the mere memory forever, but on the other hand, every “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” person was insisting on a picture “or it didn’t happen”. I also wanted to chat with the cast boys and find out what was going on with the show. So I dawdled and did that for a few minutes, interrupting their explanation every few seconds by shrieking “IDINAMENZELISHEREDIDYOUKNOWTHAT!!!” I finally found Laphone again, and I said I thought Idina had left, and I was making my peace with that… but then I spotted her, over by the bar.


I think I hopped a couple of times or did some kind of jig, but that didn’t make me any less apprehensive about approaching her again. I wanted to peel all the flesh off my bones and paint my skeleton black, like you do when you’re really really self conscious. I finally decided, No Day But Today, and asked Laphone if she would go with me and take the picture. I shoved all the other people at the bar out of the way and hesitantly tapped her again.


Idina: *turns around and looks at me with her eyes*
Me: …………………..”oh hai…….” *spastic wave*
Idina: “Oh HI!! Good!” *clutches my arm*
Me: *somewhat mollified* “Sorrybotherpicturecouldhitherejustfriendphoneweok?”
Idina: “Oh sure!”
Laphone: *smiling*
Me: “YAY, ok here we are, a picture of the beauty *points at Idina* and the ugly *points at myself*”
Idina: “DON’T YOU SAY THAT!!!”
Me: “…………….gurgle…………………ok…………………..”
Idina: “GOOD.”
Me: “Justwantedtosay…..Tonyawardspeech…sobbing…..sobeautiful……mostinspiring…………”
Idina: “Omg.”
Me: “…………………*reaches for her arm* You make me want to sing.”
Idina: “Awe! *heart clasp*”
Me: “TAYE DIGGS!!!”
Idina: “Him!”
Me: “THE awesome.”
Idina: “Thanks. (Read: “Go away.”)
Me: “Well………….”
Idina: “……………………”
Me: “Kthxbye!!!”
Idina: “Have a beautiful and fulfilling life, loyal minion!”
Me: *falls down*


And then we left. I shuddered violently every few seconds and my voice would get really loud. I almost offered both Laphone and Mr. a piggyback ride up the side of the building to prove that earthworms can defy gravity. And the slime would probably wash out of Idina’s jacket. And I hadn’t crushed all of her bones by accidently stepping on her, because she is alarmingly tiny. These things counted as successes in spite of my blithering like Simple Jack.

All these years I’ve planned speeches and drafted note cards for the celebrities I knew I’d meet, like Elijah Wood and Leo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks and Drew Barrymore and George Clooney. How could I have forgotten Idina??? (Insert image of earthworm holding note cards here.)


Laphone and Gans say I need to talk about Zach Quinto more often in order to draw him to me by the magic, but I don’t think my talking about him more is actually possible.




Chant Down Babylon