Heirship

My mom and I have a lot in common, and one of those things is that we’re both Danish. Hence our JollyHobbitDay personas unless provoked, and then we’ll put sugar in your gas tank. Our people defeated the Nazis with sugar. Ask me to tell you that story on our next date. We sing Danish songs for special events, we use Danish names for family relationships, and we eat lots and lots of very rich food. There is much to be proud of. For example, Victor Borge.

I brought a dvd of “Victor’s Greatest Hits” with me to mum’s last time I was there. I’d seen several snippets of Borge concerts via public television growing up, but I wasn’t sure I’d recognize him without all the deafening static and image distortion. This was back in the Alien 80’s, after all. We watched the dvd while eating lots and lots of very rich beef stew, which I kept gurgling and choking on with all the laughter. If you’ve never seen Victor perform, do it. Few people know how to be funny anymore the way he did. I sensed a cosmic cellular genetic connection between my brain and his jokes, I’m pretty sure I’m funny because I’m Danish. One of his bits made me do that ugly wheezing red-faced “….is she passing away?” laugh. It is called “Inflationary Language.”

Many years ago in Denmark we had inflation, and you are familiar with that problem.  In inflation, we have numbers rising.  Prices go up.  Anything that has to do with money goes up...except the language.  See, we have hidden numbers in the words like "wonderful," "before," "create," "tenderly."  All these numbers can be inflated and meet the economy, you know, by rising to the occasion.  I suggest we add one to each of these numbers to be prepared.  For example "wonderful" would be "two-derful."  “Before” would be “Be-five”.  “Create”, “cre-nine”.  “Tenderly” should be “eleven-derly”.  A “Lieutenant” would be a “Leiut-eleven-ant”.  A sentence like, "I ate a tenderloin with my fork" would be "I nine an elevenderloin with my five-k."  And so on and so fifth.  I have a book here that I have brought, I have a story here that I would like to read to you so that you can get an idea of Inflationary Language, how it sounds when it's being used:

Twice upon a time, there lived in Sunny Califivenia a young man named Bob.  He was a third leiutelevenant in the US Air Fiveces.  Bob had been fond of Anna, his one-and-a-half sister, ever since she saw the light of day for the second time.  And all three of them were proud of the fact that two of his fivefathers had been among the crenineders of the US Constithreetion.


They were dining on the terrace.  "Anna," he said as he took a bite of a marinineded herring, "You look twoderful threenight.  You never looked that lovely befive."  Anna looked twoderful, despite the illness from which she had not yet recupinineded.  "Yes," repeated Bob, "You look twoderful threenight...but you have three of the saddest eyes I have ever seen."

The table was tastefully deconineded with Anna's favorite flowers: Threelips.  They were now talking about Anna's assiten husband, from whom she was sepenineded.  While on the radio, an Irish elevenor sang "Tea For Three."  It was midnight; a clock in the distance struck thirteen.  And suddenly, there in the moonlight stood her husband Don Two, obviously intoxicnineded.
"Anna," he said, "Fivegive me.  I am only young twice and you are my two and only."  Bob jumped to his feet, "Get out of here, you three-faced triplecrosser!"  But Anna warned, "Watch out, Bob. He is an officer."

Bob said, "Yes, he is two.  But I am two, three!  Anytwo five elevennis?”

"All right," said Don Two as he wiped his fivehead.  He then left and when he was one-and-a-halfway through the revolving door, he muttered, "I'll go back to Elevennessee and be double again.  Farewell, Anna.  Three-de-loo, three-de-loo.”

I hope some of you were eating stew just then. Or an elevenderloin. Or nothing that followed would seem twoderous. But, three be or not three be… that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind three suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fivetune, or three take arms against a sea of troubles…. Three die, three sleep, no more….. or gaze into the elevender eyes of Zachary Sexto. Never fiveget, we crenine our own destiny. May the fivece be with you.



Chant Down Babylon