Lust

I never knew the daily life of being a medieval knight included the stitching of so many spangles and sequins. I feel extreme chagrin at having images of homespun and burlap tunics all these years, maintaining the practical over the romantic. I write this with relief and gratitude my friends, ebullient with the burning discovery that it is never too late to come face to horse with the truth, and that my stagnant tomes of murky British history can be tossed right out the door with one visit to Medieval Times.

Turning 35 is a very big deal, and I know this because I haven’t done it yet. My own FPP embarked on the big deal himself this week with a staunch constitution and stiff upper lip. We’d had a co-birthday dinner/golf incident with Laphone a couple of weeks ago, but he felt more was needed and is almost always right. We tossed around ideas of what to do on the actual day, which fell on a Monday so I was available (for those who don’t know, I’m one of those people who gets to work 4-10s, and you’re right to make that sound of malcontent in your throat and you absolutely should hate me, so don’t be hard on yourself), but everything seemed so……anticlimactic and subdued. The kinds of things that would better suit a 34th birthday, but not a 35th. In truth I don’t remember even a shred of anything else we talked about and not just because of Colander Brain Syndrome (CBS), but because nothing else mattered after I started gasping and flapping and shrieking “MEDIEVAL TIMES MEDIEVAL TIMES MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!!”? And then when I finished doing that I emailed FPP “MEDIEVAL TIMES MEDIEVAL TIMES MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!!”

FPP, compliant as ever, decided to incorporate the sequins into his birthday celebration in order to make me happy, since he could have fun making banana art and inventing British rap songs. They offer you a free ticket on your birthday as long as someone else goes with you and pays full price, I bought our tickets, and we were locked in or would gnaw our way through the stockade! I had been to the historical reenactment of Medieval Times once before as a wee thing, I remembered a huge arena and that our knight was rubbish and that I had always proudly believed I was a primitive savage until I was asked to eat without utensils. I was anxious to revisit the past via the past, and look with wizened eyes upon our noble ancestry across the pond. 

We arrived without incident beyond the usual Emsy Meltdown in Traffic (EMT), and I was hopping/flapping as we walked through 3 versions of the wrong entrance. We were assigned to be supporters of the Black and White Knight and his banner, ironically these were the same colors I supported the wee thing time as well, and we fitted the paper crowns on our giant heads by utilizing the very last slot which I’m sure makes RayK proud. We loitered around an antechamber where some poor fool was trying to get everyone to do things like clap in unison and use their ears. Finally we were ushered into the arena, which is at least 4/5 smaller than it was when I was 4/5 smaller than I am, and luckily got seats right in the center. To FPP’s right was a small family, and to my left were two exquisite blond gay men, who when I introduced myself to them became my best friends ever.

I didn’t recall being presented with much back story in the show when I was wee, but again I thought as a child and spake as a child then, so I didn’t grasp the import of character pathos or complexity. I mean, what was these knights’ motivation? This time however, we were taught about the ongoing battle our kingdom was in with Leon, as in Spain and not just some guy, and that our prince had been taken hostage by some skinny interloper with a whip. There wasn’t a sequin to be found on the whip whelp’s garb either, and they shined red light as the prince was taken away, so I knew these were the bad guys. Destroyers and usurpers! This abduction left behind a flummoxed puffer fish of a king whose beard was more interesting than his speeches, and a wringing hands distraught Kardashian-esque princess without a scintilla of British affectation. Double fail. BUT now at least I understood, these knights were going to win back our prince by fighting against each other and tossing flags back and forth. Color me captivated, bring on the challenges!

The knights rode out one by one, introduced by that same blustering fool who tried to incite our rage in the antechamber, and I feel no shame in saying that a fair few of them made me and the gay boys go “…ooh….” One in particular, the red one, had a lot of handsome. Ours, the black and white one, had a lot of hair but a nice smile. The green one had a lot of nose. I couldn’t pick the others out of a crowd now if I had to, and it’s only been 4 days (CBS) but no matter, I’m certain they were there. Several airings of grievances and feats of strength were performed, mainly by the horses. Those poor horses…. As a person who has recently decided she really likes horses, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what their life must be like. I mean movie set horses have a raw enough deal, but Medieval Times horses? Having to bear the weight of all that hair and glitter? Even they must be thinking “You know, that’s not historically accurate….” 

Being the technocrat zealots that we are, both FPP and I had our phones handy and were taking photos, as well as updating our Twitter/Facebook accounts for the benefit of all. FPP is an Android, and being in a close relationship with a fellow Android (Lanthorn) I know the darker workings of their minds… so as he typed in the description of where he was, along with the phrase “Let the jousting begin!”, it came as no surprise that the dark mind expected he meant the word “lusting”. I was engaged in some kind of rant on white supremacy with GaySquared and suddenly noticed that FPP was shaking with laughter, and after he explained the reasoning to me I began roaring and wheezing with laughter. Technically the lusting hadn’t even commenced yet and the knights were still in the dancing and drill teaming phase, honestly I lost track of how many ways they could make their horses do gymnastics. 

Given the fact that we were in this hobbit-sized arena it was easy to make eye contact with the knights, they would frequently trot over to their color-coded section to beg for our validation and approval. Very like the royal guards in England, these men were loathe to break character as they valiantly acted out the story of honor and duty and sparkle, keeping only to the grand waving and gesticulating of the days of yore. During a key moment, I locked eyes with the red knight who had all the handsome, and winked at him or blew him a kiss or something else beguiling, because of the lusting… which shattered him out of his duties just long enough for him to make the most hilarious “WTF?” shrug at me that I’ve ever seen. His judgment and condemnation of me was evident upon his clear brow, me the turncoat traitor who follows looks instead of colors. He happened to be right next to the black and white knight when this happened, turned to nudge him and point at me, by which point I was howling with laughter along with FPP AND GaySquared. I quickly blew kisses to our knight as well, who waved merrily and trotted off, leaving the red man behind… who locked eyes with me yet again, so I winked and blew him another kiss. I’m nothing if not thorough. Several times throughout the show Red caught my eye, and even started riding past our section, the saucy minx. I’d changed the history of the lusting. 

After one of the feats of strength, the princess of drama was tossing flowers down at the knights, who were in turn going and tossing them into their sections of the crowd – most often at the children. But our knight, who seemed to be aware of our little group now, tossed a flower right to us which FPP reached and leapt for – and missed, because the little kid next to him practically knocked his hand out of the way. FPP would make a better Beater than a Seeker. But upon the receipt of another set of flowers from Dramincess, our knight deliberately aimed and tossed the flower right at my face, and this time FPP caught it for me as the knight intended. I put it in my hair as any proud tinkling wanton would do. 

I won’t spoil the rest of the show for anyone who is planning to go, but I’d encourage you to watch for the Mini Ring Spearing, the Blacklight Flashback Montage (…), and the Pirouetting Horse. And not to wreck the ending, but all of the sparkly paid off and we got our Prince back in the end. Result! 2nd best birthday celebration ever, and I only say that because of a place called the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. FPP and I both had multiple lusting blasts, and only if I’d gotten him a Delorean would we have been able to have such a first-hand journey through history such as we did.


Next, we’re going to the Pirate place. Textbooks in hand.


Chant Down Babylon